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Alyssa Marie
Jul 25, 20204 min read

find the light, fight for the light

(I wrote this over a month ago, but every time I felt ready to post it, something would happen that made me go into a deeper hole and I would feel bad again. But fuck it. This might be late to some, but there's never gonna be a perfect time for anything anymore) Oh man, wow, woah. I’ve been struggling. I’ve been really hesitant to write about this, as I feel there are so many other things that are important to talk about right now. I'm always scared to say the wrong thing or things people might disagree with or might not understand, despite speaking gently from my own sensitive lil heart. I feel like a tiny little fish in a huge chaotic tsunami and I can’t swim very well. I’m lost and drowning half the time, and while the other fish are surfing with the waves, I have to learn new ways to keep afloat. I've never liked being in the water very much. Ocean metaphors are kinda the only thing that makes sense for me right now. But it’s also Cancer season, so I guess that fits! I know I’m naturally very good at talking about the very personal, intimate, individual parts of people. I love to dive into brain chemistry and personality and what we can learn about ourselves from the stars! I’m not as good at talking about the global. I think it can be hard for me to focus on the vastness of the water. It seems so gigantic and complicated and sad and hard to understand.  That’s a big reason why I have been struggling. The ocean is overtaking everyone right now, in so many different ways, and I want to shout about how we can learn to swim but most are already making the waves themselves. I want to shout about mental health, and how to navigate the sea when you’re plummeting downwards. May was mental health awareness month and with everything else happening, I completely forgot. I have to admit, I absolutely don’t have all the answers here. I’m still learning, and honestly, my mind is still unstable most of the time right now. But I do think it’s important to question ourselves and find solutions that work for us individually, because we are all so vastly different. I think the first step is took look inside ourselves, just our very core selves, and ask how we feel, then work ourselves up to bigger things; How do I feel today? What emotions are being brought up? What is best for me to do today? How far can I open myself up today? How much can I offer to others today? How can I help? What are the ways I can create change on a bigger scale? This is a constant process I’ve been doing with myself these last few months. Unfortunately, nearly every time I ask the first question, the answer is “bad.” And the second: “Anger. Anxiety. Panic. Sadness. Helplessness. Hopelessness. Confusion. Overwhelm. Negativity.” And the answer to the third has usually been: “I have to hide in my cocoon and take care of myself” And I can’t answer the rest when I feel that.  But this isn’t so great of a solution. I shout to the world about how to find your light, but it is as equally important to fight for the light in the world.  There are so many abhorrent injustices in this world, in this country. We can't just turn a blind eye to it. We can't let it go on and live in ignorance. We can't pretend it doesn't exist. And it's A LOT. There is SO much. The Black Lives Matter movement Defunding the police Justice for George Floyd (and Breonna Taylor and Ahmaud Arbery and Tete Gulley and and and....) Systemic racism The increasingly terrifying Coronavirus pandemic Our asshole of a president (if you have any respect for him, I have none for you at this point) Environmental disasters etc etc etc. These things matter. These things exist. And it's our job as kind human beings to fucking DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. But what do you do when you feel like you can't do anything? It’s a balance and it’s going to look different for everyone. I’ve distanced myself from social media, but I’m learning how to reach out to people more. I’ve stopped reading entire news articles for hours, but I skim headlines mid-day to stay informed. I’m not emotionally equipped to go to protests, but I find petitions to sign and places to donate and readings to educate myself more. I go into panic mode when I'm in public spaces, but I take extra precautions, use self-soothing tools, make detailed lists of necessary things I need to do(and then do it in one trip once every week or two weeks), or just buy things online instead. When we don’t take care of ourselves properly, we cannot take care of others around us. I feel like people aren’t talking about mental health enough right now, when it’s especially important to talk about, because there is so much hard stuff everyone is surrounded by.

It’s been incredibly difficult for me to find this balance, and I’m sure I’m not the only one. But I'm working on it. Finding little pieces of light, little pieces I can give, being good to myself in the process. Kindness, equality, and connection are some of the most important things in life, and they're magnified even more now in our current world. And we have to have hope that things will get better, within ourselves and also within the world. I guess I'm just writing this is to say, Hey I see you I hear you You're valid Oh, and please VOTE (and here's a place to request an absentee ballot! Some states (like my own) are expanding their vote-by-mail regulations to include COVID-19 as a valid reason!) a small list of RESOURCES to fight for the light - (here are some resources I've found immensely helpful for my anxious self. very organized, no-nonsense, reliable, informative, and covering so so much, rather than just being hit on the head by trending social media posts):

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